This morning I’m going to my third al-anon meeting. So far I’m finding them very helpful because the people at the meetings are teaching me to detach in love from the alcoholic in my life, namely Carol. Also, I’m supposed to learn to take care of myself. Heh. New concept for me. I’m so used to taking care of others (sounds rather martyrish (is that even a word?) doesn’t it? But that’s the truth. I have, for most of my life, felt like a non-person. Mostly like a blob, a non-entity. So for me to begin to recognize myself as someone who needs care which truly only I can give is like – wow.
Wish me luck.
I’m a writer, but that’s a separate journal. This journal is a place for me to vent, to talk about what the heck is going on in my life, and to figure things out. I’ve been told by some that I’m the most functional in a very dysfunctional family, which is saying a helluva lot, since I struggle with borderline personality, bipolar, and obsessive compulsive disorders. Lots of times I’ll just be ranting, and if it helps you, I’m happy. I certainly don’t want to add to anyone else’s angst.
Carol (my sister) drank yesterday. She’s an alcoholic. She turned 58 this year, and she’s been drinking since I was three years old. I’ll be 45 this year. I can’t figure it out. She finally got her driver’s license back after ten years of not having one (three dui’s in Michigan and that’s it). It’s restricted for a year, where she has to blow into one of those things every 15 minutes, but she has a car, and she was really excited.
I’ve joined al-anon, and went to my second meeting this past Monday. When this all happened yesterday, I called two people from my phone list to ask what to do, because everything our family has tried in the past hasn’t worked. If we’d taken her to a hospital, she would have just signed herself out the next day (or hours later) AMA.
What I learned is that I have to take care of myself first. And that by rescuing Carol all the time, it sends her a message that she’s worthless, that she’s not worthwhile, and cannot take care of herself – which of course she’s perfectly capable of. She has tons of friends in AA, all of which she could have called (BEFORE she picked up a drink). She has a schizophrenic adult son. She’s in a relationship that’s about to breakup. Problems with her two daughters. There are lots of reasons to drink.
Oh hell. I’m done for now. Anyone else out there have alcoholism in their families that has some experience, strength and hope to share with me?d