I’m a freakish researcher. Seriously. I would’ve made a great legal or research assistant, because I research things to the extreme. It takes a gentle nudge from my sponsor to let my know that maybe I’ve done enough and it’s time to stop.
Two examples: When I came to Al-Anon, the qualifying alcoholic in my life was still sober. But then she relapsed.
In my helplessness, and because I was not yet ready to turn that over to God, I researched everything I could. I took books out of the library. I have nearly 50 books downloaded on my Kindle just under the category of Recovery. I read websites. I read my Al-Anon literature with new eyes.
It didn’t change anything. It didn’t change the alcoholic. It didn’t even really give me any peace. What finally gave me peace was letting it go.
The second example is when I found out that sugar suppresses the immune system, and that – since I have chronic fatigue system – I have no business eating sugar, which I secretly carry on a love life with. 😉
BOOM. You guessed it. Research-mode. Went to the library the other day. I currently have five books out about sugar addiction and two on hold, but only one downloaded to kindle and that’s ALL I’m going to download. PROMISE. My sponsor and I laughed about it this morning, because she knew as soon as I told her I found out about sugar and the immune system what would be happening.
I’m sure it’s a result of growing up in a family of such extremes. I learned to cling to the extremes and hold on for dear life. I take full responsibility for the decisions I make now, don’t get me wrong. But it was so chaotic growing up, and abusive.
Gentleness is my go-to word with myself. Be gentle and find BALANCE. Slowly I’m learning to let go of or accept the things I cannot change and change the things I can. I’m learning it doesn’t have to be all or nothing. I can do the best I can and LET IT GO. Someone – maybe just one person – may be touched by the words I have spoken. Or not. I’ve done my best.