W is for Wisdom

 

The wisdom of knowing the difference between accepting the things we cannot change and the courage to change the things we can is a delicate balance. For me it’s like walking a tightrope sometimes.

And it probably doesn’t help that I’m a slow learner. 😉 Even when I read something, it takes me a while to absorb it, and even longer to put it into practice. So when I ran into difficulty these past couple of weeks with depression, it never occurred to me to ask for help.

Even though I write about it here on these pages, even though I practically PREACH about how important it is to stay in touch with the meetings and with a sponsor, I isolated myself and took a serious nosedive.

Why? Because I was afraid. I was afraid to tell my sponsor something about myself. I was afraid of how she might react when she knew this information, because I thought maybe she wouldn’t like me anymore. It wasn’t even 5th step material, it was just about WHO I AM, what I do, how I operate on a day-to-day basis. And I was scared shitless.

I was so clueless about what was going on that it took my therapist to point it out to me on Tuesday. It was part of an innocent conversation I had had with my sponsor a week ago Saturday, and I had left something out. Something small, but important to who I am. This morning I met with her (my sponsor) and we talked it through.

All those fears were unfounded. Just as she promised before, she loves me unconditionally. 😀 She takes me as I am.

How about that? Sometimes wisdom is hard fought, and comes from falling flat on my face before I reach out for a hand up.

Where is your wisdom “meter” at? From a 1-10, how wise are you today . . . 1 being “Oh man, I need serious help!” to 10 being “Call up the Dalai Lama, we may have a replacement!”? 😉

Peace out.

V is for Value

When I was a child my value was tied up in what my parents thought of me, whether my family thought well of me. My father was sick, an alcoholic, so his thinking was affected. He did the best he could at the time.

I’m not terminally unique. Most of us come with some sort of baggage from our childhood. Maybe it’s an alcoholic home, maybe it’s something else, or maybe we grew up in a Leave it to Beaver home and our problem is trying to be too perfect.

The point is we all start with our beginning value from somewhere. It changes and morphs from there, depending on our life experiences, who we know, the people we choose to spend time with and love, and the messages we take into our hearts.

I have been in and out of psychiatric hospitals for many years in my adult life, from the time I was about 27 until just about two years ago, when we bought Lucy, and when I started on Neurontin for my bipolar disorder.

What keeps me steady now? I’m not sure it’s any one thing. I believe it’s a combination of things. Lucy needs me, that’s sure and steady. The Neurontin has been a life-saver in more ways than one, taking care of three symptoms besides balancing my emotions. At Al-Anon I learn that what I have to say matters, that I have a voice . . . and, of course, the best sponsor in the whole wide world. 😉

Do you know that you’re valued in this world? Do you know that someone thinks you are special, just because you are you? I hope so, because it’s true!