I’m feeling completely empty. Besides the fact I only have three squares left to do out of 88 in the granny square blanket I’ve been working on, I have absolutely nothing good to show for my life. When I look at this photo, it makes me feel more than wistful, it parks a huge lump in my throat that refuses to budge.
Fearless is who I used to be. Shoot, after graduating from college, I drove myself from here (Michigan) to Wisconsin and over to Georgia for job interviews. Then I went again to an interview in Burlington, VT by way of Boston (stopping at Cheers–which is so a tourist trap—and the duck pond for a ride) BY MYSELF. I was so confident and relaxed that I was offered the jobs in Vermont and Georgia and was forced to make a choice. I didn’t consider the fact that Burlington was probably used to dealing with lots of snow, and the fact my job was as an itinerant teacher factored a lot into my choice for Georgia. I can still smell the magnolia blooms years later. –sigh–
Now, today, I’m a nearly 53-yr-old woman on disability who is riddled with fears. I can’t even take my dog for a walk for God’s sake, and I have seriously psych myself out before I can go down the driveway to get the mail. Yesterday I went to the Recovery Int. meeting in the morning and actually had tears because someone told me I broke a rule and couldn’t talk about something. Sheesh. Talk about needing thicker skin! When I go somewhere I can’t answer the question “What do you do for a living?” because I don’t do anything.
I know this seems like a self-pitying rant, but I am working on all this in therapy. It may not seem like it, but I am. And I’m going to start journaling again. I just need some time, and I felt it only fair to let you know why.
All of us get “stuck in a rut” at some point. What we do to get out is the important thing. Here are some suggestions.They’re not researched, or written in stone, or anything like that. They’re just guidelines, from me to you.
1. Change the way you normally workout.
2. When you drive home after work or school, try a different way.
3. Clean out your desk drawers, or your glove box in the car.
4. Wash your car yourself instead of taking it to the car wash.
5. Change up your food choices when you go grocery shopping.
6. Make a list of things you’d like to get done this week (just the act of making the list is uplifting itself).
7. Rearrange your work area.
8. Sleep on the other side of the bed.
9. Change the status picture on your Facebook page.
10. Make deadlines for things you want to get done (No. 6 part two).
11. Do at least one thing on the list right now.
12. Call a friend or relation whom you haven’t spoken to in a while.
13. Buy a different brand of shampoo.
14. Surf the internet, with the intention of finding new websites to explore.
15. Read a book you might not have even considered picking up in the past.
16. Ask the grocery clerk how his day is going.
17. Try a new bedspread for your bed, maybe something in shocking pink. 😉
18. Write yourself a letter about where you want to be in the next six months.
19. Go to that restaurant you’ve been wanting to try.
20. Change around the furniture in your apartment or house.
It’s ridiculous how nervous I was. It had been at least twenty years since I’d even touched a piano. It made the eight years of lessons and then some seem insignificant; the Excellent certificate I’d earned at a recital meaningless.
I arrived approximately 20 minutes early for the lesson, at Expressions Music Academy, smoking a cigarette of course. If I could have smoked two at a time, I would have done so. Then, since I was parked in front of a window, I became very self-conscious about the fact I was parked in front of a window, promptly put out the cigarette, and began to chew on my fingernails instead. I’m not even kidding.
At precisely 3:00 I went in, clutching my music, to introduce myself and say that I had an appointment with Vanessa when, lo and behold, Vanessa piped up behind me and introduced herself! She’s a very peppy Chinese woman (from China–very interesting story, she studied piano in Beijing!). We went into a room with a piano, thank God, where I told her I was terrified (my exact words), and how long it had been, that I wanted to learn two pieces for my mom’s 88th birthday on Oct. 17th. I don’t think I took a breath I was so anxious. She laughed and smiled and said she thought it was a wonderful present.
Then she wanted to take a look at the pieces, and after looking closely at the pieces, we decided it would be better to do just one (it was a longer piece, but easier, and really a lot prettier), that way I can focus and not be so scared and scattered. We chose Joy by George Winston.
The bad problem came when went to pay. See, I don’t have a credit card, or a checking account. I pay for everything with cash. I pay rent to my mom with cash, and if I need a check, I give her money, and she writes me a check. The office wouldn’t take my cash for two lessons in advance! I was like, “Okay, so you’re telling me I have $120.00 right here right now that you won’t take because you have some hang up about cash?!” They have you pay through your bank accounts or something which I totally don’t trust.
Eventually they took my money, but it’s the only time they will do that. Maybe if I need more lessons and I give my mom the money, they’ll accept her checks?
Arrivederci my friends!
As I started to work on my wood burning project (which I won’t be able to share with you anyway, because it’s for a family member, and I can’t take any chances online), I got this panicky ache in my chest. I started to think about everything else I have to do before Christmas. I know, it seems just too weird to think about Christmas in June, but not when you’re making all your gifts.
So I decided to write down everything I’m making; to get organized, and make a list (not including the wood burning project, since that will be done before Christmas).
Here it is:
- two blankets (just have to sew together)
- spirals rug — also easy crochet rugs
- crochet for charity scarf
- shimmery afghan
- easy going crochet blanket
- inside out blanket
- crochet brimmed flapper hat
- crocheted bookmarks
- circles afghan
- reader’s wrap
- snowflake ornament
- octie throw
- festive garland
- Christmas trees (small table top)
- Thai garden collar
- tactical squares throw
- Judy’s warm hugs blanket
- crochet basket (w/twine)
The ones that are bold and in italics are projects I have decided will be fairly simple and take much less time, maybe a day to do (I’ll make more than one snowflake ornament, of course!). My mom thinks I’m crazy and am trying to kill myself. It’s funny. I was worried about her a couple of weeks ago because of her diabetes (her sugar was going up and down). I said to her, “What am I going to do if you just don’t wake up in the morning?” And she replied, “Well, do you know where my funeral clothes are?” I was shocked, but when I share that with other people they just laugh that my mother has all her funeral clothes ready and in one place (shoes and all) so that I don’t have to deal with that when she dies.
So when I showed this big list (plus practicing the piano to prepare two new George Winston pieces for her 88th birthday in October) she asked me, “Do I need to be planning for your funeral?” Ha ha ha.
Oh darn. I forgot the blankie I’m going to make for Henry, Geoffrey and Emily’s baby, who’ll be one around that time.
What do you think? Too much? Well, I’ll do what I can. When it gets down to the wire, I’m sure I’ll have to do some cutting and editing. 😦
P.S. I will not be posting again until Wednesday. I will have family in town from this afternoon through Tuesday. Enjoy time off without me! LOL
Granny square, that is. I’m in love with the granny square, as you can probably tell from this picture. What we have here are two blankets that only need the squares to be stitched together, and one partial blanket (the green and white squares on the left side). I have 54 out of 88 squares done, and then I’ll start connecting all the squares to make blankets.
What do I love so much about granny squares? Oh, just so much. I think the sameness of it is the best thing, for me. It’s a perfect square, it never changes. Sometimes it’s all one color, sometimes the colors change, but it’s always a square. It can be small or it can be as large as a blanket—-but it’s still the same granny square. The same rules apply. Always in the corners you have 3 double crochets–2 chains–3 double crochets. Always. If it doesn’t look right, you know you dropped one of those stitches, and that’s one of the things I love so much, the simplicity.
I love that it’s portable. Not all crochet is so portable, though we try to make it so. But–a square of crochet one can take just about anywhere. It’s convenient, it lends itself to your life.
Not everyone loves the granny square. Some think it’s outdated, and some just don’t like the pattern that it makes. Me, oh *sigh* I will forever be in love with the granny square and everything there is about it.
Next time I’ll show you my wood burning project. 😀