beI’ll be taking a break from writing for a while, I’m not sure how how long. Could be weeks, could be months.

I’m feeling completely empty. Besides the fact I only have three squares left to do out of 88 in the granny square blanket I’ve been working on, I have absolutely nothing good to show for my life. When I look at this photo, it makes me feel more than wistful, it parks a huge lump in my throat that refuses to budge.

Fearless is who I used to be. Shoot, after graduating from college, I drove myself from here (Michigan) to Wisconsin and over to Georgia for job interviews. Then I went again to an interview in Burlington, VT by way of Boston (stopping at Cheers–which is so a tourist trap—and the duck pond for a ride) BY MYSELF.  I was so confident and relaxed that I was offered the jobs in Vermont and Georgia and was forced to make a choice. I didn’t consider the fact that Burlington was probably used to dealing with lots of snow, and the fact my job was as an itinerant teacher factored a lot into my choice for Georgia. I can still smell the magnolia blooms years later. –sigh–

Now, today, I’m a nearly 53-yr-old woman on disability who is riddled with fears. I can’t even take my dog for a walk for God’s sake, and I have seriously psych myself out before I can go down the driveway to get the mail. Yesterday I went to the Recovery Int. meeting in the morning and actually had tears because someone told me I broke a rule and couldn’t talk about something. Sheesh. Talk about needing thicker skin! When I go somewhere I can’t answer the question “What do you do for a living?” because I don’t do anything. 

I know this seems like a self-pitying rant, but I am working on all this in therapy. It may not seem like it, but I am. And I’m going to start journaling again. I just need some time, and I felt it only fair to let you know why.


17 thoughts on “Broken?

  1. Just knowing that there’s a person like you out there, so kind and gentle and caring, has given me strength to face life. Why are you telling yourself you’re so crap?? You’re a hero.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. You are AWESOME! Even if you don’t feel like it today, or tomorrow. I love reading your blog. You remind the world that we are all human that we all have our frailties and difficulties. I look forward to your next post (whenever your ready) and maybe a picture of your blanket when completed. I always wished I could crochet but I’m all thumbs! “Ever think to sell them on-line?” I bet the snowflake one would be a hit for Christmas! Here’s one of my tricks to get thru a crappy time, I mutter “this too shall pass”. It always does. Keep on, keepin on. Peace

    Liked by 1 person

    1. You are very sweet. Yeah, if I remind the world of anything, it’s that we’re all looney tunes! I will definitely put up a picture of my blanket when I get it all sewn together. xoxo


  3. I dont know what to say.
    I’m so sorry you feeling like such a failure. I for one have always seen you as a hero of sorts. A sensitive superhero. I wish you could see yourself and your CONTRIBUTION through your readers’ eyes.
    If I may ask, how is your faith in God at this stage? I find it helps me tremendously. Even if God doesnt exist (crap)as the naysayers say.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I hope you don’t take this as an insult, because I truly don’t mean it as such (you know I love you), but it makes me laugh to think that you think of me as a sensitive superhero. I really feel for you, is all I can think. Cape’s in tatters, tights’re torn up…. some superhero. And if my “contribution” is writing an on-again off-again blog? My readers deserve better.
      I believe that God exists, but we don’t communicate. I learned in the Southern Baptist church a complicated structure for prayer that I can’t get past to simply….talk to Him. So it affects my faith. But thank you so much for sticking by me. It doesn’t go unnoticed.


    1. I’m sorry you have struggled too. I wouldn’t want to see anyone have to deal with panic/anxiety. Like you, I too have done things in the past that have helped, but now I’ve taken this colossal slide backwards. I can’t seem to figure out why, and I guess it doesn’t really matter. All that matters now is going forward.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I agree. Not matter what, keep moving forward. You will have many bad days. I used to struggle with bad days, wandering why I wasn’t getting any better when I thought I had figured it out. It’s frustrating. There needs to be more awareness and support for this kind of thing. It’s more common than you think. If there was a blog out there that brought more support and encouragement, what would you like to see in that blog that would help you?

        Liked by 1 person

      2. I would love to tell you what to put in a blog, but that’s exactly what I’m supposed to write about — see April.


  4. Hugs and good luck with your personal time. I read all your posts when you feel like posting and think of you often when you’re not.
    I don’t have any words of wisdom or advice, just love and support.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks, Bonnie, for the love and support. I think of you often too, and wish we lived closer. I wish I had known you back when I was driving through the area–lol.


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