Broken?

beI’ll be taking a break from writing for a while, I’m not sure how how long. Could be weeks, could be months.

I’m feeling completely empty. Besides the fact I only have three squares left to do out of 88 in the granny square blanket I’ve been working on, I have absolutely nothing good to show for my life. When I look at this photo, it makes me feel more than wistful, it parks a huge lump in my throat that refuses to budge.

Fearless is who I used to be. Shoot, after graduating from college, I drove myself from here (Michigan) to Wisconsin and over to Georgia for job interviews. Then I went again to an interview in Burlington, VT by way of Boston (stopping at Cheers–which is so a tourist trap—and the duck pond for a ride) BY MYSELF.  I was so confident and relaxed that I was offered the jobs in Vermont and Georgia and was forced to make a choice. I didn’t consider the fact that Burlington was probably used to dealing with lots of snow, and the fact my job was as an itinerant teacher factored a lot into my choice for Georgia. I can still smell the magnolia blooms years later. –sigh–

Now, today, I’m a nearly 53-yr-old woman on disability who is riddled with fears. I can’t even take my dog for a walk for God’s sake, and I have seriously psych myself out before I can go down the driveway to get the mail. Yesterday I went to the Recovery Int. meeting in the morning and actually had tears because someone told me I broke a rule and couldn’t talk about something. Sheesh. Talk about needing thicker skin! When I go somewhere I can’t answer the question “What do you do for a living?” because I don’t do anything. 

I know this seems like a self-pitying rant, but I am working on all this in therapy. It may not seem like it, but I am. And I’m going to start journaling again. I just need some time, and I felt it only fair to let you know why.

Namaste.

17 Responses »

  1. Just knowing that there’s a person like you out there, so kind and gentle and caring, has given me strength to face life. Why are you telling yourself you’re so crap?? You’re a hero.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Its not what you do, its who you ARE thats such a contribution to mankind

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Well, your blog has meant a lot to me. For a long time. Pls dont go forever.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. You are AWESOME! Even if you don’t feel like it today, or tomorrow. I love reading your blog. You remind the world that we are all human that we all have our frailties and difficulties. I look forward to your next post (whenever your ready) and maybe a picture of your blanket when completed. I always wished I could crochet but I’m all thumbs! “Ever think to sell them on-line?” I bet the snowflake one would be a hit for Christmas! Here’s one of my tricks to get thru a crappy time, I mutter “this too shall pass”. It always does. Keep on, keepin on. Peace

    Liked by 1 person

    • You are very sweet. Yeah, if I remind the world of anything, it’s that we’re all looney tunes! I will definitely put up a picture of my blanket when I get it all sewn together. xoxo

      Like

  5. I dont know what to say.
    I’m so sorry you feeling like such a failure. I for one have always seen you as a hero of sorts. A sensitive superhero. I wish you could see yourself and your CONTRIBUTION through your readers’ eyes.
    If I may ask, how is your faith in God at this stage? I find it helps me tremendously. Even if God doesnt exist (crap)as the naysayers say.

    Liked by 1 person

    • I hope you don’t take this as an insult, because I truly don’t mean it as such (you know I love you), but it makes me laugh to think that you think of me as a sensitive superhero. I really feel for you, is all I can think. Cape’s in tatters, tights’re torn up…. some superhero. And if my “contribution” is writing an on-again off-again blog? My readers deserve better.
      I believe that God exists, but we don’t communicate. I learned in the Southern Baptist church a complicated structure for prayer that I can’t get past to simply….talk to Him. So it affects my faith. But thank you so much for sticking by me. It doesn’t go unnoticed.

      Like

  6. I have struggled with panic/anxiety most of my life and have done things that have actually helped. I am so sorry for your struggles. Can’t imagine how you feel right now. You’re in my thoughts and prayers!

    Liked by 1 person

    • I’m sorry you have struggled too. I wouldn’t want to see anyone have to deal with panic/anxiety. Like you, I too have done things in the past that have helped, but now I’ve taken this colossal slide backwards. I can’t seem to figure out why, and I guess it doesn’t really matter. All that matters now is going forward.

      Liked by 1 person

      • I agree. Not matter what, keep moving forward. You will have many bad days. I used to struggle with bad days, wandering why I wasn’t getting any better when I thought I had figured it out. It’s frustrating. There needs to be more awareness and support for this kind of thing. It’s more common than you think. If there was a blog out there that brought more support and encouragement, what would you like to see in that blog that would help you?

        Liked by 1 person

      • I would love to tell you what to put in a blog, but that’s exactly what I’m supposed to write about — see April.

        Like

      • I’m not sure I understand

        Liked by 1 person

  7. Hugs and good luck with your personal time. I read all your posts when you feel like posting and think of you often when you’re not.
    I don’t have any words of wisdom or advice, just love and support.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thanks, Bonnie, for the love and support. I think of you often too, and wish we lived closer. I wish I had known you back when I was driving through the area–lol.

      Like

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