Tag Archives: remembering

Getting Into The Spirits–er, Spirit!

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the-christmas_530387355 Have you seen them yet? The Salvation Army bell ringers? They always put me into the Christmas spirit. It seems like, even if I have no money to spare, not even any change at the time, they always greet me with a “Merry Christmas!” and I can’t help but wish them the same. To me, seeing the bell ringers is a sure sign that Christmas is in the air.

If we sit back in our chairs–try it, right now, where you are—and close our eyes, we can think back and remember Christmases from when we were children. There’s the scent of freshly baked gingerbread cookies and your mom is calling you to help with the cutouts.

Maybe your family went out to cut down your very own pine for Christmas. The smell of the needles fills the air and stays the whole season through.The lights twinkle and mesmerize.  Your presents seem to suddenly appear under the tree the morning of Christmas, and you’re young enough that you still believe in Santa Claus. They’re opened amid some “ooohs” and “aaahs” before moving onto the next.

You play with your presents while your folks linger a bit over coffee before cleaning up the wrapping paper. Then perhaps there’s a special breakfast and getting dressed up for church, if you’re religious. If not then the cooking for dinner starts straight away, and guests from near and far begin to arrive.

It’s not so hard to get into the Christmas spirit.

Just close your eyes and . . . remember your favorite one, whether you were very small or all grown up.

Peace out.

 

Whole Vs. Hole

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Right, I was going to post more pics of Tweetybird. Well, I got sidetracked by preparing to write my novel, Where is Faith?, for Camp NaNoWriMo, starting tomorrow. I promise I’ll post pics tomorrow. Pinky promise. 😉

Today I want to talk about a book I’m currently reading and about how a certain passage resonated within me. It’s a YA novel called Clean by Amy Reed, about a group of teens in a rehab together. They are asked to write essays about themselves, what got them in their situations and so forth.

One of the teens, Eva, writes so beautifully, she breaks my heart. Here is an excerpt: Do you remember? Do you remember being solid? Do you remember life before the hole? Before you were empty and needed to be filled? There was a time when everything was enough. There was a time you didn’t try to get out of your own skin. Remember. 

Wow.

I cried when I read that, because I do remember that time. It was when I was three years old riding my tricycle and when I was five years and my mom gave me a huge birthday party with all my friends over. I can see everything, smell the grass outside, see the trees in our neighborhood, all my friends smiling, I can remember playing red light green light, red rover (memories get mixed up, so I may have been older here).

Then there was the hole. Really it was a void. That’s why I picked that picture. It was a void so huge nothing could fill it. I tried to fill it with food, with fixing people, with trying so hard to be perfect, with trying to please other people, with anticipating every need. . . I even tried to fill it with screwing up in college when the other stuff didn’t work. I tried to fill it up with self harm and suicide attempts and dark, dark thoughts that would never go away.

Then two wonderful things happened. First, I became a born-again believer. That was a very good day. March 5, 1997. I don’t push my beliefs on anyone, but I’m not ashamed of them either. Then, I keep thinking it was longer, but it was only around September of last year, I found Al-Anon.

Now, I have that W- in front of the Hole again. I know and feel what it means to be whole. Not all the time, because sometimes I forget and slip back, but most of the time. And it feels . . . FANTASTIC. 

Peace out.